So I was thinking about this as I lay awake last night and my baby and husband slept soundly. I want to record everything about being a mum - the good and the bad. Now I am no J.K. Rowling when it comes to writing (I wish there was some device that could internally monologue my thoughts as I lay in bed because I can never remember them by the morning but that could become a Black Mirror scenario and that's a whole other issue!) but I will give it a go, writing down all my thoughts and feelings as I travel this journey of being a first time mum. I want to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, the highs and the lows. I'm sick of having to think of saying something positive to say when I don't really feel positive at times about my baby and being a mum. Of course I love my baby and I would never want them to think I do not love her but no one can always remain positive and babies definitely know how to play you.
Speaking to other mums and all I hear is how their baby sleeps through the night, how well behaved they are, that they are doing great and inside I am screaming liar! Now I know some babies do do this but being a mum of a baby that doesn't sleep through the night every night, that keeps you constantly guessing what they want and nothing seems to satisfy them until I am crying 'what do you want?!' Hearing other mums say how well their baby is and offering no suggestions on how to help is really not helpful. I really think mums just say all these positive things because they don't want to look weak and to look like they have everything sorted but they can't all be telling the truth! (Please tell me it's not just me!)
I visited my mum the other week and one of her older neighbours saw me and my husband my baby getting into the car and of course she asked us how she was, "is she good?" Me and my husband hesitated in saying the typical "yes she's amazing, she so sleeps through the night!" Knowing full well we had only got 2 hours of sleep the night before between us. As we hesitated, the neighbour said "just say yes, it's easier". Why do people ask if they do not want to hear the truth? Is this why women lie? Tell you everything is fine because it is easier? When in fact this is not helping them or others who are going through the same thing.
So let me get you up to date with what has happened. I am not even sure or care that one person reads this but if someone does read this and they see the same things as me or are going through the same things as me then we know we are not alone, and I often feel as mum being very much alone.
I gave birth to my baby girl nearly 7 weeks ago, the labour was long, (it started 2 days before I was actually kept in hospital and then 19 hours in hospital, so no sleep for 3 days!) I was doing well with no pain relief (don't ask me how I did it!) but when push came to shove I was so exhausted I couldn't do it. Contractions started to slow down so they hooked me up to machines and drip where they monitored the baby. Babies heartbeat was a bit irratic and contractions still weren't getting close together. So they had to intervene. All I remember was thinking, please not a c section! Please not a c section! They wheeled me off to have an epidural, leaving my husband to shit himself for half an hour until he was allowed in the theatre. It was a pretty scary time but I was so exhausted I just wanted the baby out and the pain to go away. Luckily it didn't result in a c section and forceps were used.
Now I always hear about when other mums saw their baby for the first time that they were completely in love and they cried and I feel ashamed to say that I didn't. I'm not sure whether it was because I was so exhausted or that I felt really underwhelmed because I didn't physical feel my baby come out, she was just sort of there but I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I was just shocked that she was finally here and then I remember just feeling guilt because I didn't feel anything. I looked at my husband and he was crying his eyes out and I remember thinking, why can't I feel like that. This still gets to me today, as I am writing tears are filling my eyes.
Then baby and husband went away with the midwife to get her checked over and I was left there laying on the table with what felt like an hour and the whole of the hospital hovering around my nether-regions. All I wanted was someone to come and talk to me while they did whatever they did down there and keep my mind off it. I felt like the attention I had recieved all the way through my pregnancy had immediately been taken away from me and I didn't matter anymore. That's sounds really selfish (I told you I would tell you the truth) and of course everyone is going to be concerned about this tiny life that had just come into the world and I was too. I wanted to see my baby but I just needed someone to ask me if I was ok. Now that's no fault of the hospital, they were amazing and had other matters on their minds, this was the beginning of me feeling lonely and having to cope on my own.
